Then Job replied to the Lord : “I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’ I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance .” – Job 42:1‭-‬6 New Living Translation

This scripture best describes the lessons I learned in 2018. Our business was taking a hit like most in Kenya and eventually operations shut down in October 2018. The year 2018 is one where God revealed He needed me to get rid of self-reliance. He charted a course for me to wholly depend on Him and not myself. I could relate with Job’s words in the above verses. I really battled with Go and I questioned Him and His care for me! I was angry with Him and did not understand why He was not coming through like He said He would. After all He can do all things. Why was he taking so long to open a way for financial provision? However, I decided to keep praying and reading His word. I stayed connected with God despite my internal battles. The main reason I was agitated was because I was used to providing for myself, based on my ability to fix things in my life and not depend on anyone else. Also, I had the ability to help others in my family from time to time and friends around me financially. When my savings ran out and I was not able to do so, the experience punctured my pride deeply! It was very difficult to let others know what I was going through and I found it difficult to articulate why I was not able to attend some church or family events. What was more difficult was accepting financial help from time to time. It put me at a very vulnerable position, one I was not used to at all. I was used to helping others, not the other way around! Yet as the year progressed God remained very faithful. One day it hit me, “But Christine, not one day have you slept out in the cold, your landlord has not kicked you out, you are not in arrears in rent payment! You prayed for a patient Landlord or landlady and God said yes! Also remember Christine, you did tell God you wanted to try a different path work wise, you did talk to your boss about changing from a full-time to part-time position so as to pursue other endeavors. So why are you so angry at God? Has He not answered your prayers? Even if it’s not in the way you thought he would?”, I thought. From then on, it felt like fish scales were removed from the eyes of my mind and heart! My perspective changed and I was able to see what a blessing God had been in my life. I was so sorry about my attitude before God. I am grateful that He forgave me. Sure there were rough days, some more than others and I lost some weight, too. Yet, each day God provided for my needs in His own special way. As the year came to an end, I was able to see the weak areas in my life and how God used this situation to help me seek Him as my deliverer. My attitude turned to that of praise and thanksgiving! He remained faithful. He turned my mindset from relying on myself to relying on God through each challenge and situation. In the words of Paul, “I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength“. – Philippians 4:12‭-‬13 New Living Translation I am learning that the strength and ability to go through each situation is found in Christ. I know what it feels like to have and to lack. ” And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches,* which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Now all glory to God our Father forever and ever! Amen.” Philippians 4:19‭-‬20 New Living Translation I am learning each day that God has always been the source of my supply. It was never the job I had, nor the ability I had to handle my business or all the things I relied on in the past that sustained me. I have learned and continue to learn to take God at His word. What He says He means it. He is faithful, even when I am not; He remains true to Himself and His word*. I am still learning. I still have areas that need a lot of refining, yet like it was with Job I can say “I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.”